I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
