this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
someone owes me an orgasm
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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