Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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