Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
