my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Houston, we have a blender
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
