Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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