really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
