I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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