I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
