Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
