it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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