Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
