so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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