we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
