I want to make a zoo with you.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Houston, we have a blender
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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