I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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