It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
