She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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