ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
