Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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