it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Randomize
