His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
