Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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