this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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