Sober January is a disaster.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Come on in and take your pants off
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