I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
