dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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