I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
