Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize