don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
