perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
