My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
he shaved USA in his pubs
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
