Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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