wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
