Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
