I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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