i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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