We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
