It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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