I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
