Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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