If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
