so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
