i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize