"it" just moved
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
