Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
