I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
