omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
