I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
