M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I met the friendliest cop last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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