He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
