Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize