my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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