Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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