in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
