I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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