I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
