if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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